[Satirical News] Chemist shocked to discover he is not the Source of all creation.

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[Image: Sophist chemist Dr. Benjamin Krauss upon realizing he is not God.]

Sixty-year-old Cincinnati chemist and active sophist Dr. Benjamin Kraus is in complete shock over the sudden realization that he is not divine. Dr. Krauss has been hard at work contaminating public consciousness with sophistic fallacies since he was just a teenager. Krauss said the painful realization that he is not a God hit him when he could no longer enforce reverence of left-brain aptitude to enslave humanity. "I define divinity as being able to create the appearance of helping others while actually screwing people over. I've done everything from cherry-picking evidence to flat-out lying," said Dr. Krauss, "Nothing is working. People are actually using science and evidence against me. What if I actually have to start contributing to society? What if everybody starts benefitting from science, not just the slave-making elite? How can the television show Rick and Morty be wrong?" exclaimed Krauss, bursting into tears and assuming fetal position.

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[Satirical News]

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Man with slightly above-average left-brain aptitude afforded free rein to be as big of an asshole as he wants


[Image: Brian J. Horgan, various manifestations]

Brian J. Horgan, a forty-some year-old male who studied history and Latin in college, is confident his slightly above-average intellectual abilities will give him a free pass to be as big of an asshole as he wants in life as long as he's willing to do the bidding of the sophists. "It's a very empowering feeling," says Horgan, "I can make fun of fat people all day off the job and still get employed as an editor for outlets that deal with health news. I can rant on all day about how much I hate Trump while going out of my way to support all of his policies. I can tell people I'm a liberal while defending Nazis like Richard Spencer and blocking basic income for the public. It's a pretty sweet gig." Horgan says his bit-better-than-mediocre left-brain abilities have proven to be a formula for success as long as he sticks to the classic script of lies. "My kind-of-more-than-middle-of-the-road intellectual abilities can get me as far as being a history professor or politician as long as I contend that dictators are always honest when they say they are socialists and that all foreign Western intervention is about protecting civilians. I readily support democracy as long as nobody knows what it is. I get to pretend I'm professional and trying to make others feel intellectually inadequate is part of my job. Plus, I expect sophists and neo-Nazis to take care of those who see through my charade. I'm a very employable person, as a result." Horgan says he typically aims for employment at "decent-quality" propaganda publications like The Economist, adding, "but if that doesn't work out, I can always help administer the welfare state which actually enslaves people or just work at some high-end tie store for a living."